The last few weeks had been a rollercoaster of emotions I was barelyprepared to process now, let alone in those moments then. My mindfluctuated so hard every day between loving my new clothes and wanting tokeep going and accept my feminized persona and be Lily with Erin all thetime, and hating what I had become, wanting it only to be over andregretting that I ever had to be chosen in the first place. I loved mynew clothes and I loved Erin, but I was ashamed to love them like I didand I was afraid of what others really thought of me. I remembereddressing up for our date in one of my favorite outfits of the wholeexperience. She said I didn't have to, but in that moment I wanted to, alot. I remembered my pure emotional breakdown that came in the lockerroom, but also the way she pulled the first tube of lipstick across mylips and I couldn't get enough of that feeling, or her. Erin was like anaddiction. It didn't matter whether I had wanted to stop or not, becauseI couldn't. But when I had. I understand ... we all understand."I looked over at Phyllis, and her eyes were moist, and George even had a mist in his eyes. They were in each other's arms, obviously enjoying being a couple. As I saw George moving towards Phyllis to give her a kiss, Karol took me and sat on my lap and kissed me real hard."Oh, Daddy ... make love to me, please?"I took her by the hand and we got out of the hot tub and waved goodbye to George and Phyllis, who were lip-locked together.We went to our bedroom and closed and locked the door. Karol slowly stripped off her suit and I wasted no time in getting out of my board shorts."I love you, Karol. I never thought I'd love again, after losing my Louise," I said between sobs."I can tell that the love you had with her was one of those eternal kinds of love, never expecting one another to be without each other for very long. I hope I can measure up to Louise ... she's set quite a standard for me to achieve."I rambled, "She actually told me, it's funny now.
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